I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
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I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Look at this
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.