“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
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They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*