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I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose