[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
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If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.