Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
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MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
If a snake ate a cake
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.