4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
You Might Also Like
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Posting this on behalf of a friend
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
This January has 47 Mondays
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Erm…
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?