tis the season
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friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
pictures of spider-man
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
me working on my assignments ^-^
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.