Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
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7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
This January has 47 Mondays
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
please stand back I’m about to make this worse