One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
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watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Strange
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.