He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
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A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Still a very good boi….
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
This is my bus stop.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.