Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
You Might Also Like
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.