[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
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When news reporters do sports stories
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
What personal space?
My dog
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u