My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
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Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio