When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
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Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)