The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
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escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Saturday
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
There’s only one good girl here!
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.