Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
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I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter