You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
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TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.