Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
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“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.