What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
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*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Saturday
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy