I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
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THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes