“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
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Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no