[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
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Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
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THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
do what now??
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.