I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
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Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
You are not alone 💚
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago