So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
You Might Also Like
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Oh the world we live in…
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Salad is the decaf of food.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos