I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
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NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.