I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
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i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.