If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
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*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Safety first
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
i now pronounce you bounced.