Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
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Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Me too 😆
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.