Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
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My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.