Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
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“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Stop sending me this shit.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
I missed you with all my darts
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
decorating my apartment
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.