Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
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My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.