Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
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a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Meeeee too!
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.