A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
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I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Dear Lord..
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please