Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
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Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History