hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
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Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
The real reason evolution started..😂
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks