u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
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i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
saw this in a dream
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
waiting for halloween be like:
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.