🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
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The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.