calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
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Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Just so funny
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
The government even made aliens boring
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said