Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
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Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
a fate I wish upon no one
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
I WON A HAM TODAY
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.