[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
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I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
sir, my pâté if you please
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.