When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
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I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Finally, a door that understands me
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.