If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
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teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.