If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
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I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Not today
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit