I’m sure it’s fine.
You Might Also Like
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents