This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
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If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
j o i m p
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
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I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.