It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
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i’m having this made into a welcome mat
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one