idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
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“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
A drum solo but on your face.
Guantanamo Bae
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”