Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
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[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Jogging has never helped my memory.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal