My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
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Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Sorry. Not sorry
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.