i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
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dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
not for long
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*